At what costTue, 13th Jan '04, 9:45 am::

I haven't 'blogged in a while mainly because nothing interesting has happened. Last night I went to bed hoping that something blog-worthy happens today, so that I can write about it and share with everyone. After all Taylor nominated me for Bloggies 2004 Best Kept Secret Weblog award. Thanks a LOT Tay! So I just had to blog something big.

As they say, be careful what you wish for; you may get it. I guess at 9:15 am this morning I did. I got an international call from her. Not a lot of people know her. Probably two of my friends in India and almost nobody here. I never hide anything from my family but I guess 'her' name just never came up. If I ever had a crush on a girl, my sister would be the first to know. If I wanted some advice on how to approach so-and-so's daughter, I would ask my dad first. If the girl didn't want to go to a movie with me, my mom would tell me not to worry because there'll always be someone else (by the way this was when I was 14-15, so enough with the momma's boy jokes).

But I never told anyone about 'her' even though I know I liked her from the day I saw her in my college in Calcutta. I think now I know why; because she was never a crush or a random hot chic I run across every other day at some coffee shop. I clearly remember walking into an already stuffed classroom in the first week of college. The girls were seated on the left half while the boys were on the right. I looked for a space on the boys half but it was too crowded. I walked towards the back of the class, found half a row empty on the girl's side, thought screw-it, and just took a seat. I looked on my left and there she was yapping away non-stop. I looked at her, she looked at me, her friends looked at me, the guys on the other side looked at me, and everybody laughed. It was quite possibly the most embarrassing moment of my college life and I didn't really give a damn.

Next day though the class was half empty, I went and sat next to her and her posse. They poked a few harmless jokes at me - something about me getting a sex-op - but I think she knew by then that I was a good guy. Within a couple of days, I knew all her friends well and we went to the juice center down Ray Street. I remember telling my dad about my trip to the juice center with a bunch of girls and him warning me to be careful of some street gang of full of jealous guys. Ya we have those in Calcutta. I don't think I knew then that she was going to be an important anonymous person in my life. But then again we never really know anything. Your best friend today could become your sworn enemy tomorrow and the person you didn't say 'Hi' to on the elevator could be donating blood to save your thankless soul.

What makes me feel the guiltiest is that I did not go see her the summer before last when I was in India. I made the stupid mistake of thinking "I'll call her tomorrow" too many times and when I did call her, she had already left the city and had gone to see her relatives in a different state. I joked about this to my best friends, saying how she really likes me but I'm not sure if she's worth my time. I pretended in front of them that I was too cool for her. So I didn't bother to see her then. And I didn't really give much thought when she started crying to me on the phone one night that summer, saying that I should really just take a flight and come see her. Her parents really wanted to see me, her uncle even talked to me on the phone and wished to meet me in person. I told her "sorry but I can't" when in truth, I just didn't want to. I didn't want to, because I still hadn't realized she was more than a nagging friend that I was treating her like.

I know had I gone up to see her that June in 2002, I would probably be engaged to her by now. Maybe I would be making plans for her to come here and stay with me while I complete my education. It would be very difficult but I know we would make it through. But I was too "cool" to accept a little hardship in my comfortable existence. I wanted things to be easy and my way. So I told her sorry dear I can't do it. And she kept telling me to keep trying and find a way. But I just ignored her. Oh I loved talking to her on the phone but just didn't want her to screw up my so well laid-out life plans. And so while trying to make my own selfish life perfect and in-sync with my future plans, I basically f***ed up things with someone who loves me so truly.

She got engaged today. She just told me I was one of the first people she called. And she's getting married in the first week of February to some guy she doesn't know and doesn't care about. She said she doesn't even like his name. I always thought those movie scenes where people laugh while they are really crying were bullshit. I mean either you cry or you laugh, you can't do both. Now I know you can, because that's exactly she was doing. She wanted me to congratulate her and said that I, being such a "good friend", should be happy about the news. I have never hated myself so much in my entire life. Here is a gorgeous intelligent girl who loved me so much and even today, didn't blame me for my inactions and here I am, not paying any attention to her because she didn't "fit" into my visions of how my life should be. I always liked her a lot too. She is everything I would want for a girlfriend/wife, except that she is 10,000 miles away and I have a PhD to obtain.

This is exactly what happens when you take some people for granted in your life. I always thought oh she'll be there when I come back to India all successful and well-educated. And if I'm not successful, she wouldn't want me anyway. I couldn't be more wrong. She just wanted me, as I was the day I met her. In every romantic film ever made, they call this person "the one." People always tell me, don't worry, there'll always be someone else. Or she's not worth it man. Or don't screw up your life plans for some girl. I know everyone is right in their own context. But what about the ones I've wronged. How can I forgive myself for playing, flirting, and cooing with her all these years though I wasn't going to ever commit. Or at least not till I became the "educated" man I wanted to be.

If she is reading this, she'll prolly hate me for the rest of her life. I guess I deserve it. Sorry. I hope you can forget me. I know I can't forget you but I really wish you congratulations on your engagement and hope that you move on. Best of luck in all your life's endeavors and hope your marriage is peaceful and ever lasting.

I've written a few 'blog entries in which I made fun of myself or proved how stupid/boring/weird/dumb I am. But I don't remember ever writing something that showed how much of a sick selfish person I really am. Well I guess there's a first time for everything. Right now I hate myself and don't tell me I shouldn't. I know what I've done for the past 4 years is despicable. So ya, I got my wish. I got a "beautiful" reason to write a long blog entry. Maybe I should get some goddamned award now to make me feel even shallower.

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