Mon, 19th Jul '04, 8:45 pm::

A good day at work really boosts my confidence level. However, I think confidence is something that should come out from within and not be affected by good or bad days. Growing up, I used to think that there will come a day when I'll realize that yes, I've grown up now. Yet till now I feel just like a kid. I do what most grown ups do and I'd like to think that my maturity level is appropriate to my age but in my heart, I still feel like a kid. Now I don't mean the poetic notion of there being a child in every adult's heart. I mean I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I am 23, living by myself, working full-time. I feel like I belong in school, reading and writing.

Maybe that's my problem. A decade and a half of studies and I'm subconsciously unwilling to leave it all behind me. My mind's accustomed to looming homeworks and due papers. Somehow the freedom of being an independent adult is alien to me. Of course, I enjoy every minute of it. It rocks that I don't have to stay up late nights pouring over annoying classes I never wanted to take anyway. It's awesome that I can watch as much TV as I want without one bit of guilt arising. And best of all, I love the pace of life here in Florida - not too fast, not too slow.

My friend Erik is thoroughly enjoying being a small cog in a very big corporate machine. I, on the other hand, have selected to be an integral part in a small firm. Like he says, everything I do has a direct impact on the day-to-day workings of the company (or so I hope). That is in essence why I think I moved down to Florida. I cannot let myself be lost amidst the aisle of cubicles in a Big Apple behemoth. I'd rather get my tiny office in the middle of nowhere and slowly grow till I am satisfied.

Oh well, stuff like that takes time and years of effeort. But days like today make me believe in myself.

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