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Top 42 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Online Overlord

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Top 42 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Online Overlord

  1. I would not hang out on online forums called DigitalGangsta.com, HackerzCrew.net, or anything like NetSupremeMafia.com. I would however create a forum somewhere tucked inside www.cauliflower-salads.com.
  2. I would not use the #MadCrakerz channel in IRC for communication. I would write a very simple software to hide messages in spam emails using Steganography and also implement some decent form of encryption.
  3. I would not hack AOL, Geocities, Online Forums/Message boards, and never try to brute-force my ex-girlfriends' Gmail, Hotmail, or Yahoo accounts.
  4. I would not have an elite crew of hackers under my command. I would however, hire an accountant, a tax attorney, and an insurance agent to make sure that while I'm busy hijacking the root servers, the IRS doesn't come knocking on my door for unpaid taxes or something bureaucratic like that.
  5. I would never deface a webpage saying hacked by "PrimalHaxorz." I would however, log all the traffic, keystrokes, usernames, and passwords on the hacked sites and set up a daily cron job to upload the logs on to random owned PCs on broadband.
  6. I would NEVER EVER check my personal email at the same time as I'm breaking into the ChoicePoint database. I can reply to my mom's email a little later.
  7. Speaking of my mom, I will move out of her basement and find a decent apartment with two or three roommates. We will watch football and drink beer on Sundays.
  8. I will burn all my t-shirts that are relatively geeky. I will get my new wardrobe from A&F.
  9. I will not use Linux, Slackware, NetBSD, OpenBSD, or anything remotely powerful for any of my activities. I will use Windows ME. Everybody knows Windows ME users are the polar opposite of real hackers. If I ever need a *Nix OS, I will use a LiveCD.
  10. Everything hacking related that I do, will be from a 1GB USB Key Flash Drive that requires my fingerprint to decrypt anything. I will not wear it around my neck but rather hide it inside my bulky 2001 MP3 Player.
  11. If my USB drive does not have enough space, I will store things on my Xbox's hard drive, never on my PC.
  12. I will never think I'm too smart for NSA, FBI, CIA et al to ever catch me. I will never challenge them. I will however, send them on wild goose chases from time to time.
  13. I will not tell my best friend how smart I am. The day I decide to become the Evil Online Overlord is the day I tell my family and friends that I have just been diagnosed with a severe mental disability and my intelligence is failing rapidly. To prove my point, I will start watching Fox, CNN, and MTV religiously.
  14. I will make sure that I disable the "Override Security Password" option in all my systems.
  15. I will never steal large sums of money from one source. If I do decide to steal fractions of pennies from bank transactions, I will not misplace a decimal point. It is not a mundane detail.
  16. I will not use any hacking tools that require complete 3D virtual immersion or cryptic shell command. I know how to make a decent 2D GUI.
  17. If I ever have to go into a public online chat room, my nick will not be "DarkPoisonX." I think "HotLoverBoy4You" is inconspicuous enough.
  18. I will not unleash any viruses, trojans, worms, or malware that slow down the Internet. I will write and thoroughly debug software that will let me control PCs remotely without the users experiencing sudden slowdown, increase in network resources, or changing their browser homepages.
  19. I'm not in this business for fame, women, or destruction. I am in here for the data. Data begets money and power.
  20. When I'm downloading a secured database, I will not be in my pajamas. I will be wearing business casual khakis, ready to jump into my car and drive away just in case the FBI has traced my exact geographic location and is about to break into my house.
  21. Just before my escape, I will place an autographed life-size poster of Kevin Mitnick above my roommate's computer, along with the latest issue of 2600. Poor guy has no clue what all he's subscribed to. The only subscriptions in my name will be Maxim and FHM.
  22. Before I log out of any hacked system, I will flush the memory cache, delete the backups, and clear the log files. While I'll leave at least two backdoors open, I may plug any major security holes if its feasible. No sloppy seconds for script kiddies.
  23. If during the course of regular business, I ever manage to obtain Scarlett Johansson's cell phone number or email address, I will not try to contact her. Neither will I try to contact BIll Gates, Dick Cheney, or Steve Buscemi.
  24. For my hacking activities, I will not rely solely on one method. I will try everything out there from social engineering to brute-force/dictionary attacks, from exploiting OS/browser vulnerabilities to DNS poisoning. I will keep abreast of the latest security exploits on all platforms and applications.
  25. My browser cache will always clear upon exit and so do the cookies, temporary files and what not. Everything's on my USB key anyway.
  26. If I'm at a bar and an attractive young lady starts squirming when I say I'm an IT Systems Manager, I will stop picturing her naked immediately. She is a spy and I will proceed to tell her how much I love Windows, Visual Basic, MS Access, and Norton Anti-Virus. That should throw her off enough to give me time to plan my escape.
  27. I will shower at least once a day and wear deodorant. You should do this even if you're not an Evil Online Overlord.
  28. No more Cheetos and Coke. That's a dead giveaway. Orange Juice and low-calorie Salt Crackers for me.
  29. If I have been caught on tape doing something at a distance, I will hack into FBI/CSI and disable the "Sharpen" feature in Photoshop.
  30. None of my attacks will take place outside of regular business hours. My work ends at 5pm EST so I still have 3-4 hours to crack systems in California.
  31. I will not use any P2P/file-sharing applications to save a few dollars (or support terrorism). I intend to rob the Federal Reserve not a 7-11. By the way, Napster and Netflix are quite affordable now.
  32. If my boss tells me that I am not punctual or productive enough, I will not ignore it. I can hold the ICANN hostage later. First I need to finish the Monthly TPS reports.
  33. I will never use l33t speak, never ever never. No one will ever hear me verbalize "ROFL" or "LOL." Proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation will be strictly adhered to.
  34. Once inside a remote system, I will not snoop around in random directories. I know where every database stores its data and log files. I won't dump entire databases to flat text files and instead select only the juicy tables and views. "tCCNums" and "qCustomerListMerge" could be juicy, "mtBlahgEntries" and "webIPLog" probably wouldn't.
  35. I wouldn't use Google to find vulnerable servers. I would run parallel queries on multiple Meta-Search Engines to find my targets.
  36. If any of my family members, friends, or coworkers begins to suspect the source of my new revenue stream, I will take them aside, ask them to please not tell anyone that I used to be addicted to crack and now that I've been through rehabilitation, I have some extra money left over each month. I will then proceed to apologize to them for everything I ever did wrong against them and break into a fit of bawling hysteria.
  37. I will become paranoid but not a tin-foil hat wearing nut job. NSA could be decrypting my emails but "The Man" is not interested to know how many times I go to the bathroom.
  38. Sensible paranoid behavior includes not using the same public terminal for any of my activities more than once every six months. Avoiding cameras and dressing appropriately in public libraries will help too. Erasing my fingerprints off the Mens' Room door knobs and polishing them clean will attract attention and unsolicited phone numbers.
  39. When a young up-and-coming hacker-wannabe comes to me and tells me he adores my brilliance and evilness, I will not smile, feel proud, or take him under my guidance. I will do the chicken dance and exclaim, "I have to draw you..." If it's a female, I'll skip the chicken dance.
  40. I will not toüghen any of my filenames, scripts, and applications with the rabid use of Ümlauts. I'd rather call them "SysInit.exe" or "init_daemon."
  41. I will reluctantly change the names of my cats from Mr. Giga Byte & Ms. Tera Byte to Blacky and Snowflakes. There can't be anything geeky about me. I will not however shave my cats under any circumstances.
  42. Your mom.

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